today i am lamenting over lost friendships and changes
Oh cruel irony how i hate you for your spiting me
down with those who belive us to qualify for mediocrity
and those who believe us to fall only into memory

i've never wanted a soul mate before
such a rediculous idealistic cliche
Yet today, to be safely in love would be a comfort

And comfort, how long has it been since i have known you?
To have rest from weariness is something i have forgotten
nothing is good today
only God

the ongoing melodrama has finally ended.
the saga is no more.
there will be no fourth installment to this trilogy.
there won't even be a prequel.

i finally got a hold of melanie...
things didn't go as planned, but yet somehow i could see it coming.
our once close friendship has drifted... over the course of three months, what i thought was close friendship turned out to be nothing but driftwood.

she's at a point in her life where she doesn't want "mediocre friendships."
i think that's bullshit.
so i told her that and slammed down the phone.
and then i yelled, "i hate you! i hate you! du hast! du hast!" over and over again at the already hung up phone.

actually i did nothing of the sort.

all i said was, "if that's what you want."
she concurred.
so i then said, "well, all the best to you, goodbye."

things don't always turn out the way you'd like them to.

current spin: coldplay "warning sign"

my life is a rollercoaster of emotions. you might as well call me the emo of all emo kids. (i hate emo)
let's be frank, let's be honest, let's stop living this pseudo-lifestyle.
i feel pseudo.
i want life. i want freedom.
i don't want to be bound by my own insecurities, my own problems, my lust...

things aren't always what they seem.

i have a dear friend that i think the world of.
i've known her since high school.
i even at one point fell madly in love with her.
we have been keeping in contact these past 3 or 4 years through emails, telephone calls and the odd walks together now and then.
i lost contact with her in april.

last week i tried to make contact again, i emailed, i called and left messages,
no response.

i saw her tonight at a gig.
i was walking towards the building, and she was the first person i saw.
we made eye contact,
i kept walking...

i felt stupid, i felt insecure...
i kept staring at her the whole night...
everytime she looked in my direction, i immediately looked away and stared at the floor.
we didn't talk to each other the whole evening...
i felt stupid.

i wanted to go over and at least say "hi."
but i couldn't, i keep thinking she's mad at me.
i keep thinking that the friendship we had over the past 3 or 4 years, has been wasted and can't be picked up again.

i'm not in love.
i'm afraid.
how do i tell her that through these past years, her love has carried me through?
how do i tell her that the last person i would want to hurt is her?

melanie, i still stare at the stars...

currently listening to:
the gloria record "tired and uninspired"
coldplay "the scientist"
belle and sebastian - tigermilk

It's about time!
So, I've finally felt inspired to sit down and write something here. I talked to Moey the other day, and we did both agree that one has to feel inspired before just writing anything here. So, here goes.
This summer has gone on too long. I have reached that point...you know...the point where all you can think of is what is going to come next and you have to try extremely hard to focus on where you are at the present moment because your mind is way off elsewhere. It is very trying! Luckily this week is our vacation bible school, otherwise I might be tempted just to quit it all and go away wherever I felt like. Not that I would actually do that...I would feel too bad. But that is how I feel at the present.
It is strange how you don't know what you are missing, until you get a taste of it once again. I went home this weekend. I haven't been home since school ended. I was lying on my couch and I seriously did not ever want to get up again. I was so content being there. Everything seemed so much simpler. I miss my home. And then I invited a group of my friends over. Now my friends in Courtenay are great, but I would not say that any of them are super close to me. However, we hung out and watched a really dumb movie, that I probably would not normally enjoy, and I had the time of my life. I realized after that that was the first time I have hung out with a group of people my own age in...I don't remember how long. I miss it!
Anyways, Dan do you know what is funny? I can recall countless hours I have spent in that scandia golf and games place. Mind you, we usually just played mini-golf, but I still find it quite funny.

thoughts on love and other fantasies...

my friend monte came over last night. we drove around kelowna till about midnight and talked.
it was great.

this morning i met up with my friend geoff heith.
we walked around the mall going into various stores.
we then headed over to scandia golf and games. It's quite a depressing place when you think about it. It's full of kids wasting their money on 2 minutes of "pure bliss."
some of these kids would rather be playing video games than making lasting friendships. some of these kids would rather being playing these mindless button mashing games than reading, writing, or even thinking.

so here i was, standing in scandia golf and games, talking with geoff and some other friends we bumped into when all of a sudden this lady comes to the ticket counter holding what seemed to be 4 thousand tickets.
it was the most insane of amount of tickets i've ever seen. it was the most insane amount of anything i've ever seen.
we all just wondered how this old lady could have possibly won all these tickets?
did she beat up all the little kids in the building and steal their tickets?
has she been saving the tickets for the past 20 years?
did she break open one of the machines and rip out as many tickets as she could?
it was quite puzzling...
so we asked her, "which game did you play to win all these tickets?"
she replied by saying "The Zoo game, the Zoo game!"

so we combed the entire building in search for this "zoo" game.
it doesn't exist.

currently listening to:
belle and sebastian - if you're feeling sinister