it seems as though i've lost my ability to communicate my thoughts in conversation. Maybe it's because for the past two years i've hidden in a tiny bubble and wouldn't let people in until i was in dire crisis.
Well, two years have passed by, and hopefully i've gotten a little wiser.
I find myself not wanting to live in a tiny bubble anymore.
So what's the alternative?
The alternative in some circumstances isn't any better than the bubble.
The alternative means transparency. The alternative means vulnerability.
The alternative means honesty.

So let's get back to my initial train of thought. Since i've lost my ability to communicate verbally, i've decided to communicate with words that are not audible. (unless you are reading this outloud... and if you are... stop.)

What an emotionally numbing week this has been.
To paraphrase Yancy, Pain is a gift from God. In one of his books, Yancy talks about a case study that was done on people who had contracted leprosy. (A chronic, mildly contagious granulomatous disease of tropical and subtropical regions, caused by the bacillus Mycobacterium leprae, characterized by ulcers of the skin, bone, and viscera and leading to loss of sensation, paralysis, gangrene, and deformation.) He tells in this case study that the Lepers wished that they could feel pain because if they could feel pain, then they would stop hurting themselves.
So by stating that I've had an emotionally numbing week is a little bit of a fallacy.
i've had an emotionally painful week.

Here's the scoop. I think it's going to be a long one tonight, but that's alright since i haven't blogged for ages.
Near the end of the summer, a friend of mine came and visited. Now, at this point in time, we were nothing more than "just" friends. I don't even think we were that "good of friends" either.
But after she had visited, and i actually had an opportunity to have a meaningful conversation with her... well... to make a long story short, i melted.
(By no means was this my intention.)
I had and still have great respect for her, and totally respect her personal convictions, but at the same time, i couldn't deny these flittery emotions.

So there i was, flabbergasted.
an emotional cannonball, the sweaty palmed fat kid sitting next to the punch at the school dance gawking at the most popular girl at school.
(well, i don't think it was actually that extreme.)

I couldn't take it anymore, i needed to talk to someone. So i talked to some friends of mine, and they gave me some encouraging advice. They assured me that i wasn't crazy for feeling this way. They said it was natural for me to be attracted to a girl of this caliber.

See, by nature i think about a lot of things... i think i tend to always be in deep thought. So needless to say, i read into a lot of things. I thought about how relationships should function... except, since i have no experience when it comes to dating relationships, this whole idea of dating scared me a lot. I don't know what to do!
I also came to the realization that, eventhough i was attracted to this girl, the physical intimate side of dating honestly wasn't the reason i felt emotionally attached to her.
(you can say, i'm full of crap, but i know for certain that my motives were pure.)

So i kept asking myself, "why am i so attracted to her?" It finally came to me!
It was the honest conversations i've had with her! I didn't feel stupid telling her that i've never really dated. I didn't feel stupid to say that i haven't kissed a girl... (although, i'm not sure if i actually told her that.) But normally, i would feel really stupid and insecure about these things, and in some cases i would lie about it.
I felt comfortable around her, I wasn't afraid that she would laugh at me.
i wasn't afraid to let her in my bubble that i've spent two years building up...

So, i took the chance...
i stepped out on a limb and maybe i got a little carried away.
It seemed only natural to me to pursue some sort of "dating" relationship.

i was wrong to assume that that was the answer to my dilemma.

So, the girl had the courage to talk to me about the whole issue. (which by the way i totally commend her for.)
We walked in silence, it seemed really awkward. we both knew what was about to unfold.
but, in the end it finally came out.

i tried to explain to her as best i could what was on my mind. but the whole time, my mind felt completely fuzzy.
I think she got the gist of it, but at the same time, i could still sense her being a little defensive. (maybe i'm wrong and reading into things again...)
but that's what i still sense.

Hence, the reason for this entire blog anthology/autobiography.

i just want to clarify things...
i can't just turn off my emotions... but i think my will is stronger than my emotions....
i know what i want now...
i want an intimate friendship... i want a friendship without having the walls to be built up...
i want trust, honesty and vulnerability.

So yes,
it's been a painful week, but it hasn't been painful because i feel like i've been rejected.
it's been painful because i feel like i'm on the verge of losing someone i care for very much.
i feel like i'm almost in a sense losing a potential best friend...

this is like a last resort... i wouldn't be able to express this clearly in enough in conversation...
i'd miss parts...

i don't know how to end this blog...
so shall we say: "to be continued?"