twisted realities....
something i long for and despise at the same time.

i stood and listened to a conversation about childhood toys...
all i could think about was how unimportant the whole conversation was.
but without these conversations what would we be left with?
God forbid, maybe something intellectual, maybe something meaningful, maybe something world changing?

don't get me wrong, i am the king of useless chatter.
why?
because i have this fear of "opening up" to others.
so for a person like me, i need monosyllabic unintelligable conversations....
so why am i sick of it all?

good question...

could it be that even though i have this fear of letting people in my so called "bubble", i actually crave deep relationship?
that i actually long for all my friendships to be more than just reminiscing on whether or not i had the "original hawk GI JOE!"

my thing is,
i'll never open up to anyone who is not willing to open themselves up to me...
i need to know if a person is genuinely interested in who i am as a person.
when i know they're sincere...
all the walls come down.

i remember having a conversation with my senior pastor/boss, and i decided to try to be as honest as i could.
so i told him a lot of my worries,
i told him that this internship feels like a job that i don't really care about.
i told him that i didn't want it to be that,
and if i kept doing ministry with this state of mind, somewhere down the road i would be a victim of burn out.
he told me that i gave him a "typical" answer. That it all sounded good and honest, but i didn't really describe anything.
the thing is,
i don't know if i was honestly being pseudo,
or genuine.

could it be that i've gotten to a point in my life where i can't even decipher what i'm truly feeling?

God knows...
God help us all....

currently listening to:
fugazi - the argument

I like men alot!
At this moment frustrated with some
but generally a lover of men
I find that those who write about pseudo emotionalism to be intriguing
i watched the movie Amelie last night
Huge in the cuteness and endearment factor
Generally this would be something I would secretly love yet not admit
The reason is this:
I realized that I perk up while watching twisted realities
Twists that cause my imagination to be challenged to create more little quirks that might challenge other imaginations
That and I would love to help a blind man see through my words
And would love for my obsessive compulsiveness to be seen as a quirky instead of a negative thing worthy of "treatment"
People who aren't creative and put me in a box piss me off
People who are creative and put me in a box piss me off too
However, the second at least have something I can relate to
I like to roll my clothes instead of fold them
I need to line up my Starbucks symbols with the sleeve and lid.
And yes I am addicted to starbucks!
That is who I am and I'm pretty sure that Prozac et al. will not change that
(and besides, if i don't line up my cups i spill because i miss the lid hole - geez i hate that!!!)
Thats my rant

I like men.
I like them a lot.
I too am a man.
Who else likes men?

its the honey roasted venom that tends to get the Daniel Kangs of this world in trouble
about your schizophrenia
I can relate
and i've seen you struggle
the thing is you are not an ordinary guy with ordinary stuff on his mind
i bet you overwhelm yourself just by being yourself.

emo is the worst thing since the holocaust
i read on the internet about "things that are emo", and i saw that belle and sebastian were on the list of "emo" bands.
this is precisely why i loath the emo scene...
it's trying to take over everything! Since when is belle and sebastian an emo band?
then the guy who made the website split the genre of emo into sub genres...
He said that bands like the promise ring, or the get up kids, aren't "considered" emo, but rather,
"post-emo indie rock."
who really cares?
you're still getting a predictable cd that's full of pseudo emotionalism....

Do you know who likes dashboard confessional?

....... the devil!

currently listening to:
doves - last broadcast

today i woke up in a terrible mood.
i feel like i'm schizophrenic sometimes.
i have two personalities that contradict each other.
the first personality, is completely apathetic. all it wants to do is "get by."
when i'm identifying with this personality, all i want to do with my life is to disappear.
to move away, to boston, or chicago, somewhere where no one will find me.
work a crappy job, live in a crappy apartment, and live like this until the end of my life.
my other personality, is completely the opposite.
when i'm identifying with this personality, i feel like i can take on the world.
when i'm identifying with this personality, all i want to do is be completely full of God.
all i want to do is to help others.
all i want to do is to be so completely full of God that nothing else matters.

there have been days when i wake up and all i can think about is how grateful i am to be alive.
how grateful i am to have received salvation.
how grateful i am to know God.
there are other days when i wake up and all i can think about is myself.
how terrible my life is.
how i think all christians are hypocrites.
how i'm the worst of all those hypocrites.
lately, i've been having more of these selfish days...

when was that day i lost sight of the cross?
when was that day i stopped living for Christ and started living for myself?
it's been so subtle, so gradual, that the days of my youth seem surreal.
how do i get back?

currently listening to:
wilco - yankee hotel foxtrot