twisted realities....
something i long for and despise at the same time.

i stood and listened to a conversation about childhood toys...
all i could think about was how unimportant the whole conversation was.
but without these conversations what would we be left with?
God forbid, maybe something intellectual, maybe something meaningful, maybe something world changing?

don't get me wrong, i am the king of useless chatter.
why?
because i have this fear of "opening up" to others.
so for a person like me, i need monosyllabic unintelligable conversations....
so why am i sick of it all?

good question...

could it be that even though i have this fear of letting people in my so called "bubble", i actually crave deep relationship?
that i actually long for all my friendships to be more than just reminiscing on whether or not i had the "original hawk GI JOE!"

my thing is,
i'll never open up to anyone who is not willing to open themselves up to me...
i need to know if a person is genuinely interested in who i am as a person.
when i know they're sincere...
all the walls come down.

i remember having a conversation with my senior pastor/boss, and i decided to try to be as honest as i could.
so i told him a lot of my worries,
i told him that this internship feels like a job that i don't really care about.
i told him that i didn't want it to be that,
and if i kept doing ministry with this state of mind, somewhere down the road i would be a victim of burn out.
he told me that i gave him a "typical" answer. That it all sounded good and honest, but i didn't really describe anything.
the thing is,
i don't know if i was honestly being pseudo,
or genuine.

could it be that i've gotten to a point in my life where i can't even decipher what i'm truly feeling?

God knows...
God help us all....

currently listening to:
fugazi - the argument