today i woke up in a terrible mood.
i feel like i'm schizophrenic sometimes.
i have two personalities that contradict each other.
the first personality, is completely apathetic. all it wants to do is "get by."
when i'm identifying with this personality, all i want to do with my life is to disappear.
to move away, to boston, or chicago, somewhere where no one will find me.
work a crappy job, live in a crappy apartment, and live like this until the end of my life.
my other personality, is completely the opposite.
when i'm identifying with this personality, i feel like i can take on the world.
when i'm identifying with this personality, all i want to do is be completely full of God.
all i want to do is to help others.
all i want to do is to be so completely full of God that nothing else matters.

there have been days when i wake up and all i can think about is how grateful i am to be alive.
how grateful i am to have received salvation.
how grateful i am to know God.
there are other days when i wake up and all i can think about is myself.
how terrible my life is.
how i think all christians are hypocrites.
how i'm the worst of all those hypocrites.
lately, i've been having more of these selfish days...

when was that day i lost sight of the cross?
when was that day i stopped living for Christ and started living for myself?
it's been so subtle, so gradual, that the days of my youth seem surreal.
how do i get back?

currently listening to:
wilco - yankee hotel foxtrot