so the hilarity ensues...
as days go on, i'm starting to make less and less sense.
i'm starting to be less rational.
i dipped into the stupid sauce, and now i'm hammered, but nothing like the lovehammer. (no not even that, baxta)
(it's amusing how some people will just never understand some of these little jokes... but for me, they are genius.)

anyway,
i made a deal.
a deal, that makes absolutley no sense.
a deal that i thought about over the past couple of days. it seemed really good in my head, but when i went to explain it, it made utterly no sense.
so here are the parameters...
1) i will try my hardest to get over my ex-girlfriend, and all of this needs to be done by may 23, 2003 - which is the night we are going to see coldplay.
2) She will not shut me out, and bear with me and my insanity until may 23, 2003 - the night of the coldplay concert. (did i mention that we are going to see coldplay? hah... you ain't got the stones!)

now, when may 23, 2003 hits, we will discuss our relationship, whether it be, strictly platonic or if there are some unresolved issues, (i.e. sparks) that will need to be discussed.

my question...
how does this work?
i think i'm insane.
for one, i will be trying to get over my ex, from now until may 23rd? like hell i will! Or will I? see... i really have no idea...
so here is where the insanity begins... it begins with me!
she seems to be fine,
everytime i talk to her, i ask her if she's fine, she says "yes." and if she's not doing super well, it's usually something else... it's never anything that seems to be related to me. (although sometimes i wish it would be.)

so that's my problem.
i want to be sane... i want to be mature, and more like an adult about things. but what the hell do i know about love?
what do i know about making relationships last? what do i know about "creating sparks"... i have concluded that i know nothing.
what will happen if she meets someone that fits all her fantasies and more?
these things scare the crap out of me.
because, for some reason, i'm still hooked. i'm back where i was last semester. and it seems like the road to recovery is much longer and much harder.

what right do i have though?
i can't make her love me. i can't make her do things against her will...
it never seems to work that way.

you know, here's another thing...
i wish she would just speak her damn mind! (well, her mind isn't damned but i'm sure you understand.)
none of this... silence... i'd like to hear more of the "i don't know what i'm thinking right now, but i'm going to say it anway, because i know you won't laugh at me. and if you do, it'll be in a good way."
I want to know what's going on in her mind, even the random, she claims that she never thinks about just one thing.
so why not say all of it? i've got time! i've got ears, i'd like to hear what she has to say.
why doesn't she believe that i think the things she has to say are important. Why doesn't she believe that i think she's funny, and witty, and doesn't need to mull over things in her mind to be sure it's her best material.
maybe i'm off base, but i'm out to get a rise.
i'm out to maybe stir some things up.
after all, i leave tomorrow and.... she'll have a week to cool down.

what else... what else...
how about this one?
if i'm one of your best friends? or at least your best male friend? how about letting me into the damn bubble? (again the use of profanity to emphasize a point. not that i'm angry.)
am i truly in? maybe i shouldn't be in anymore, because.... it's too vulnerable...
but was i truly in before? i for some reason am not convinced...
maybe you did... maybe i'm always just looking for something deeper, but i seem to believe there is a lot of depth to you.

sparks come and go, but the depth of knowing someone... this will not fade.

so yeah...
i'm confused.
i'm a little jaded

gifts don't always fit into perfect nice uniform boxes.
the world doesn't work that way
but this doesn't mean the gifts needs to be thrown out and forgotten.

maybe i don't understand, and i need to be set straight.
so that's what i'm waiting for.
set me straight, get me to understand.
get mad, get frustrated, get jaded, don't be so candy-coated.

don't be afraid to hurt me,
i'm already hurt.

the ball's in your court.
do what you want with it.
i'm through with playing games.

shit, i feel terrible.
i wish i could just understand and move on.

i'm going to bed...
i'm sorry.