the drugs she takes cause her brain to stop functioning in certain ways that aren't noticeable unless you are often around her. i think today wore on me more than any others have. my mother, in a self induced coughing frenzy upset because i am the son that cannot stand her existence as the most terrible mother ever. i am helpless and any of my worsds only aggrivate the situation further so, i flee to the basement.
i am trapped in thoughts and darkness.
and when the madness is over, i'm not so sure that the end will be in sight.

good intentions are always in my mind, and i hope in my heart.
but unfortunately they haven't materialized into anything tangible...
these days, there haven't been many evidences of these good intentions at work.
maybe i'm just too hard on myself,
or maybe i secretly loathe myself to the point that, anything worth taking note of is brushed over and hidden,
so the endless cycle of self-hatred can live on.

one thing is for certain,
God is love.
it's concrete.
if i did not have this, if i did not believe this, then there would be no point.
so therefore i go on.
not as determined as Paul pressing on, and beating his own body into submission so that he may not be disqualified for the prize.
i simply press on.
keep going... trying to be a little bit better every day.
trying to see things a little clearer, and to see them how they actually are.
oh and i fumble and fall...
but i'm starting to see it's not about that...
it's about getting back up, and to resuming your previous pace.
it doesn't have to be fast and exuberant
keep it at a pace you can handle.
just get somewhere...

God indeed is love