i walked into work today... and i had this overwhelming urge. i barge in, jump on a table, and say "i quit suckers!!!!"
but instead, i walked in sheepishly... and grabbed my books and went to class.

it's getting harder and harder being here.
i have great friends, and i'm having great opportunities at church. but one thing remains... i'm not at home.
my experience here has been good. God's orchaestrated some great things. The people i've met, the friends i've made, they've been a real inspiration to me.
but one thing still remains... i'm still not at home.

tomorrow will be another day of work. just like all the other days... it's kind of hard for me, to stick with the same thing, day after day after day.
i'm not a gifted teacher either. i'm more of an entertainer i would say. the students don't like my classes because they learn a lot. they like my classes cause:
a) i'm a push-over
b) i confuse them with my banter
c) i try not to give much homework
d) sometimes i'll pretend i'm English, and speak the entire class with an English accent
e) on occasion i'll pretend i'm a crazy german scientist, and pronounce all the "W's" as if they were "V's"
f) i have the ability to just look at them, and make them laugh hysterically.
g) all of the above
h) all of the above except (e) - some kids are just creeped out when i transform into Wilhelm.

current spin: believe it or not... David Crowder - illuminate

so, usually the blog would have ended by now. but i don't think i'm going to end it just yet. it's currently 3:10am, Seoul time.
and i want to talk about God.
but i'm not sure how or where to begin.
all i know is that i keep talking about, and asking God to amazing things within the lives of people. I say it all the time when i lead worship.
i pray prayers and i extol Him as Creator, as Majesty, as the Alpha and Omega. I say things like "you're always in control. You're ruler of heaven and earth."
and, don't get me wrong... these things are all great and true. they're awesome! words can't even describe how great our God truly is.
but... i'm desiring a bit more. ok, maybe a lot more!
i was reading chapter 29 of "Purpose Driven Life" tonight,
here's the tail end:

"If you're not involved in any service or ministry, what excuse have you been using? Abraham was old, Jacob was insecure, Leah was unattractive, Joseph was abused, Moses stuttered, Gideon was poor, Samson was codependent, Rahab was immoral, David had an affair and all kinds of family problems, Elijah was suicidal, Jeremiah was depressed, Jonah was reluctant, Naomi was a widow, John the Baptist was eccentric to say the least, Peter was impulsive and hot-tempered, Martha worried a lot, the Samaritan woman had several failed marriages, Zacchaeus was unpopular, Thomas had doubts, Paul had poor health, and Timothy was timid. That is quite a variety of misfits, but God used each of them in his service. He will use you, too, if you stop making excuses."

now somehow, this is my attempt to tie in all the ideas floating around in my head tonight.
so... i'm involved in ministry. i would say i'm involved in too much ministry. it seems like, ever month they want me on some sort of retreat.
on certain weekends, i'm heavily invovled with three services. and my saturdays and sundays are usually just completely devoted to church.
it's kind of ridiculous, or should i say REDONKULOUS!
and, the ministry times have been really powerful and rewarding. especially the worship aspect. i feel like i've grown immensly this year. but i feel, like it's time for another step. a huge one.
it's time to start moving out in authority.
it's time to start praying bigger prayers. it's time to start praying specific prayers. it's time to start pouring into people's lives. to ask and have the expectancy to see God deliver people from bondage, addiction, lies, and deep wounds.
but how can one step out into this kind of authority, if he himself, doesn't have the spiritual discipline...
Authority comes from the word of God. it comes through prayer and petition. it comes through intercession. It comes through close intimate relationship.
and these crucial foundations... are a lot of what i'm lacking in...
but, it's gotta start somewhere right?
these are things that build over time.

Again, i was reading in Rick Warren's book, and he was just talking about maturity and how it takes a long time. he used an analogy and said "when God wants to make a mushroom, he does it overnight, but when he wants to make a giant oak, he takes a hundred years."

and that God is never in a hurry, but he is always on time.

and... let's not forget Philippians 1:6.

but seriously...
i need to, WE need to really start praying some big prayers. We need to really start digging into the Word. What do we have to lose?
i mean, the only thing i can think of us losing is our apathy.

God doesn't really need us for anything. but for reasons beyond my understanding, He's decided that He's not going to do it without us.
and since... He's chosen us... shouldn't we also choose Him?

I feel like, every Youth/Young Adult convention in every generation since like 1910!
A speaker has said... "this generation is the Joshua Generation!"
"this generation is a generation that is going to take back the land! this is a generation that God is going to use to bring down a great revival like the world has never seen."
my question is... how come every generation is the Joshua Generation?
and even a more important question would be...
What's stopping us?

Distractions.... doubts...
even as i write this, i'm gettind distracted cause i have the TV on, and i'm watching some japanese nature show on mute. and right now... there's some panda bear swimming in a murky stream.
SEE WHAT I MEAN!!!??? distractions!
oh,
and doubts,
and just plain apathy.

but seriously, it's gotta start somewhere.
and sure, i may completely forget, in about a week...
(i hope i don't)
but it's about effort... it's about persistence. about pressing on towards the goal for which Christ has called you heavenward.

i have this love and hate relationship with that feeling.... you know, that feeling like you're on the verge of something huge!
You love it cause of the excitement that God is going to revolutionize your life.
but you hate it,
cause you don't know when it's going to happen... and sometimes you get bogged down and don't think it ever will.

but it will...
somehow... things will start falling into place...
it's all about timing...
i'm just going to try to ready myself as best as i can.

wow...
what a jumbled up mess...