my life is a rollercoaster of emotions. you might as well call me the emo of all emo kids. (i hate emo)
let's be frank, let's be honest, let's stop living this pseudo-lifestyle.
i feel pseudo.
i want life. i want freedom.
i don't want to be bound by my own insecurities, my own problems, my lust...

things aren't always what they seem.

i have a dear friend that i think the world of.
i've known her since high school.
i even at one point fell madly in love with her.
we have been keeping in contact these past 3 or 4 years through emails, telephone calls and the odd walks together now and then.
i lost contact with her in april.

last week i tried to make contact again, i emailed, i called and left messages,
no response.

i saw her tonight at a gig.
i was walking towards the building, and she was the first person i saw.
we made eye contact,
i kept walking...

i felt stupid, i felt insecure...
i kept staring at her the whole night...
everytime she looked in my direction, i immediately looked away and stared at the floor.
we didn't talk to each other the whole evening...
i felt stupid.

i wanted to go over and at least say "hi."
but i couldn't, i keep thinking she's mad at me.
i keep thinking that the friendship we had over the past 3 or 4 years, has been wasted and can't be picked up again.

i'm not in love.
i'm afraid.
how do i tell her that through these past years, her love has carried me through?
how do i tell her that the last person i would want to hurt is her?

melanie, i still stare at the stars...

currently listening to:
the gloria record "tired and uninspired"
coldplay "the scientist"
belle and sebastian - tigermilk